Sunday, August 19, 2007

For All Things Pass Away

Perhaps I think too much. A luxury would be the ability to think less especially when my thoughts dissect everything around me.

Today I noticed how wanting we are as humans, much more so as Americans than anywhere else on the planet, and how we want for much more than we are worthy. God never promises us a thing when we are born except the gift of eternal salvation and only if we are willing to accept it. We are either reared with these expectations instilled in us by our parents or we, one day just out of nowhere, decide we want 'more'. Whatever that 'more' is depends also on the individual wanting. Some want more stuff while others want to do more. Perhaps more time and I guess we all want more of this the less of it we have.

What do I want? I don't know. This changes all the time in relation to the world and what there is to be had but I think when all around me unravels I will be satisfied with what I have. Paul writes that he has learned to be content in any and every situation (Philippians 4:11-12) and while I am certainly not there yet I have prayed that God would take me there (as though it were a place). Asking Him for this is a precarious request. God has a funny way of answering prayers. A friend of mine even poked fun at me recently, making reference to the chaos we have endured in the last year, saying, "So, have you been praying for patience or what?" Now asking for God to allow me Paul's otherworldly satiated temperament could bring even more interesting times.

I have not prayed for patience in quite some time but perhaps God's knowing better than I do what I need He has been obliged to help me experience a few things and perhaps I am experiencing this in the smallest moments of life.

What do I want?

To be truly loved for not what I can provide but just for who God create me to be.
To love truly.
To be dealt with honestly by all I cross paths with.
To understand why we attach conditions to our acceptance of others.
To not attach conditions to my acceptance of others.
To know Him as well as He knows me.
To be free of misunderstanding.
To be truly free.
To not want anymore.

One thing I do know is that this too will pass. All things pass away.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Scottish Roulette??

Aren't the Russians the ones who invented this foolish idea of brutish male bravado? Well, of course they are the unlucky people associated with this unfortunate game or whatever it is, so much so that if one was to say, "Roulette" and nothing else I am willing to bet most people would think 'Russian'. Of course we make exceptions for all the hopeless Vegas addicts who cannot get past the roulette table.

Tonight though, agitated by life's tortuous pitch and yaw, I am left to wonder why I cannot, read the writing on the wall, so to speak. I am a lot of things and one thing I believe I am is a thinker. To a fault even in that I tend to over analyze issues long after they should be laid to rest. Tonight my thinking has brought me to the conclusion that God created me the way I am, through His infinite knowledge and ability to see all time, for some great event which I cannot even comprehend. He created me many things, but most of all He created me stubborn. Bull-headed, persistent, single-minded, hard-headed, head strong, determined, mulish, unyielding, resolute and any other synonym one wants to lump in here, but what it all comes down to is when I get an idea stuck in my brain you can all but forget about changing me.

Now the value of this character trait is as varied as the synonyms above are in their descriptions, however it seems lately my idiosyncrasy is more a liability than anything else. Who do I have to thank for this? Can we attribute it to rearing? I am not certain how fair this is since I spent my youth ping-ponging between my parent’s homes. Deep inside my being I believe the fault belongs to the Scots. Sure there is some English, Irish, and German mixed in, but we all know who the most stubborn of these is.

So I continue in my pig-headed myopic dithering even while destruction courts me the entire way, a sort of Scottish Roulette if you will. This has almost been the natural way of things most of my life. Sure there have been moments of quiet calm but those have been few and far between. I almost feel like it is my destiny to live in this tempest.

With this in mind I am left asking what God’s purpose is for a man like me. I love to work in a fluid environment. I love to help people. I don’t like being hovered over by a supervisor or boss. I don’t like a strict routine or schedule. What does this spell? Why has financial success for me all but stopped since I sold Bumper Man?

I don’t have answers for these questions. I do know that despite my over the top, one hundred and twenty percent commitment and effort to making Owner/Builder work we have nothing to show. After three trade shows, two seminars, about thirty appointments, countless phone calls, handing out thousands of flyers, expensive billboard advertising, emails, postcards, and on and on, we have NOTHING. We are now in more debt than we have ever known and for what? I used to have an answer. I used to believe people would want to be intimately involved in the construction of their own homes while saving thousands of dollars. I used to believe I would be providing a service desired by others while truly blessing them. Now I am not sure.

Once again the question is begged, what has God planned for me and my family? Can I keep up this game of Scottish Roulette? Does God really give one the desires of his heart?

Now it is time to abandon success and the pursuit of financial stability for something different, something new, but something God has purposed me for.

The question is What?

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

8 Years and a Life of Danger

When I married Sugar, eight year ago, I had no idea what I was in for. We have been through our fair share of ups and downs and even a little to the sideways. We have lived in several states, both in this country and in our minds (joke) and we have weathered many storms. When we were dating I thought I had an idea of what life would be like with Sugar Kyzer (now Jeffcoat, of course) but man was I in for a surprise.

We are both passionate people. At least I think I am a passionate person. She definitely is. This passion has been the reason why our fights or arguments often last long after the sun has set, and even though we glare at one another by the light of our digital alarm clocks, we love one another for that stubborn passion. I don't believe there is another woman on the planet who could put up with me or who would even volunteer to do so after really getting to know me (just getting to know me is a challenge I am sure). No doubt, I can be difficult and this is putting it lightly.

Sugar is a special woman. Not only does she draw me in with those dark pools of mystery and mischief when she gazes my way, or captivates me with that single dimple, or drive me crazy when she lets her hair hang down and around her face (something about that wild look), but she can share moments with me that no one else ever could. She understands me more than anyone else ever could. She talks with me. She speaks to me with a look. She looks at me with truth. And the truth is I am in love with Sugar Kyzer Jeffcoat.

I am certain the next eight years will be full of both challenging moments and Kodak moments but there is not another person I look more forward to sharing these moments with than my wife.

I love you Sugar.