Sunday, August 12, 2007

Scottish Roulette??

Aren't the Russians the ones who invented this foolish idea of brutish male bravado? Well, of course they are the unlucky people associated with this unfortunate game or whatever it is, so much so that if one was to say, "Roulette" and nothing else I am willing to bet most people would think 'Russian'. Of course we make exceptions for all the hopeless Vegas addicts who cannot get past the roulette table.

Tonight though, agitated by life's tortuous pitch and yaw, I am left to wonder why I cannot, read the writing on the wall, so to speak. I am a lot of things and one thing I believe I am is a thinker. To a fault even in that I tend to over analyze issues long after they should be laid to rest. Tonight my thinking has brought me to the conclusion that God created me the way I am, through His infinite knowledge and ability to see all time, for some great event which I cannot even comprehend. He created me many things, but most of all He created me stubborn. Bull-headed, persistent, single-minded, hard-headed, head strong, determined, mulish, unyielding, resolute and any other synonym one wants to lump in here, but what it all comes down to is when I get an idea stuck in my brain you can all but forget about changing me.

Now the value of this character trait is as varied as the synonyms above are in their descriptions, however it seems lately my idiosyncrasy is more a liability than anything else. Who do I have to thank for this? Can we attribute it to rearing? I am not certain how fair this is since I spent my youth ping-ponging between my parent’s homes. Deep inside my being I believe the fault belongs to the Scots. Sure there is some English, Irish, and German mixed in, but we all know who the most stubborn of these is.

So I continue in my pig-headed myopic dithering even while destruction courts me the entire way, a sort of Scottish Roulette if you will. This has almost been the natural way of things most of my life. Sure there have been moments of quiet calm but those have been few and far between. I almost feel like it is my destiny to live in this tempest.

With this in mind I am left asking what God’s purpose is for a man like me. I love to work in a fluid environment. I love to help people. I don’t like being hovered over by a supervisor or boss. I don’t like a strict routine or schedule. What does this spell? Why has financial success for me all but stopped since I sold Bumper Man?

I don’t have answers for these questions. I do know that despite my over the top, one hundred and twenty percent commitment and effort to making Owner/Builder work we have nothing to show. After three trade shows, two seminars, about thirty appointments, countless phone calls, handing out thousands of flyers, expensive billboard advertising, emails, postcards, and on and on, we have NOTHING. We are now in more debt than we have ever known and for what? I used to have an answer. I used to believe people would want to be intimately involved in the construction of their own homes while saving thousands of dollars. I used to believe I would be providing a service desired by others while truly blessing them. Now I am not sure.

Once again the question is begged, what has God planned for me and my family? Can I keep up this game of Scottish Roulette? Does God really give one the desires of his heart?

Now it is time to abandon success and the pursuit of financial stability for something different, something new, but something God has purposed me for.

The question is What?

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